The Mail Day Thanksgiving Parade

J.R. Fickle: Hello everyone and welcome to the Mail Day Thanksgiving Parade! We’re here in Irving, Texas — home of Panini! — where this parade is taking place. I’m J.R. Fickle, here with a Zebra Print variation version of myself. So there are two J.R. Fickles today as we bring you coverage of this parade.

Zebra Print Variation J.R. Fickle: And hey everyone, great to be here! I think we jump right into it, as the first float is coming down FAA Boulevard — it’s Federico Holiday, the inventor of the Topps Holiday cards!

Fickle: And what an honor for him to be kicking off the parade — affordable, fun cards with eye-popping designs and cool variations. You can get a box of the cards bearing his name for about $30!

ZPV Fickle: What a deal. That probably should go in the Mail Day gift guide —

Fickle: Hold that thought, me, because I think I see our first musical act!

ZPV Fickle: Ah yes! It’s the Leaf SI For Kids Choir. And wow they are starting off beautifully. Harmonious, voices in tune…

Fickle:… ahhh and there they go completely off-key, and I think one of the wheels fell off the float, actually.

ZPV Fickle: And of course now it’s on fire. And it’s going backwards. Wow. Something with such a feel-good start completely does a 180 and crashes. Look out, Holiday family!! — and is now on fire.

Fickle: Next up! I believe it’s our first balloon of the parade!

ZPV Fickle: Would you look at that? Flying at what some would say is far too high above us, it’s a tribute to auction house shipping fees!

Fickle: I have my binoculars here and I see what appears to be just a giant envelope with some stiff cardboard sticking out of it. What a creative balloon!

ZPV Fickle: And here we have another musical act —“The Panini Instants.” They formed in… ah well I’m not sure when. It doesn’t say here…

Fickle: Do we know anything about them? Are they on tour?

ZPV Fickle: The bio I was handed here says you can find them if you really really really look hard and get creative.

Fickle: I see!

ZPV Fickle: They’re singing their hit song “No Products Found Continue Shopping.”

Fickle: I know that one!

ZPV Fickle: I think we all do!

Fickle: And here’s another balloon! It looks like it’s — can you explain this one to me? A mid-20s woman shaking hands with a random guy who has a beard and a baseball cap, across a table from one another, both of them looking at us and smiling? She’s holding what appears to be a Daniel Jones Downtown? Am I seeing that right?

ZPV Fickle: Yes you are. That’s the “Tribute to Fake Instagram Haggling” where an influencer with a smartphone and a bunch of only modern cards and no apparent outward love for any of this pretends to make a deal with a guy at a card show and will always magically end up paying “less than comps” and “making a profit” after three painfully awkward and forced back and forths.

Fickle: That sounds…absolutely terrible to watch.

ZPV Fickle: It is!

Fickle: So why is this balloon even here?

ZPV Fickle: [Shrugs]

Fickle: Moving on. Looks like another float!

ZPV Fickle: Yes J.R., this one is called “Bots” and what it does is just ruins everyone’s good time. For instance the float is now spraying mustard on spectators while simultaneously releasing a boutique fart spray.

Fickle: That smells horrible!

ZPV Fickle: Fun fact. Those are real farts that the bot creators paid for with profits from re-selling… uh, it says here…”everything.”

Fickle: Can we get rid of this float for next year?

ZPV Fickle: I think everyone is trying. Topps almost did it this year!! Panini actually came close!

Fickle: What’s next? Anything? Please.

ZPV Fickle: Speaking of Topps. Here comes the Topps Social Media Marching Band!

Fickle: And the sheet here says the band just plays the same banal 45-second song over and over and over again, with just slightly different variations each time?

ZPV Fickle: Correct you are, friend! Hey look, it’s another balloon! A giant Pokemon!

Credit: Nintendo News

Fickle: That seems strikingly normal — oh my God what is happening to it? Are those middle aged men climbing up the ropes to grab at the beloved children’s character?

ZPV Fickle: Ah yes, if you have kids at home please shield their eyes from, ironically, that beloved children’s character. Pokemon is not for you, kids! It’s for adult scalpers and flippers now!

Fickle: While we wait can I ask a question?

ZPV Fickle: Of course!

Fickle: Isn’t this supposed to be fun?

ZPV Fickle: It is fun!

Fickle: Is it?

Federico Holiday: Excuse me, gentlemen, I overheard your conversation as I was waiting for these men to stop fighting over the Pokemon balloon. And I wanted to reassure you that this is still a LOT of fun.

Fickle: Everyone it’s Federico Holiday!! Please sir, sit down, tell us!

Federico Holiday: Just the other day I ripped apart a Godwin Champions box. It was big dumb fun AND I got an autograph. Same with Allen & Ginter! And look, I have like five different versions of the Nasty Nick GPK — a PSA 8, an unopened Jumbo pack with him in it. My buddy Big Clerc has four Cara Dune Funko Pops. That’s fun! It’s weird but it’s fun.

ZPV Fickle: Sorry to interrupt you Mr. Holiday but I do want to point out that the Pokemon has been fully deflated and hauled away. The JG Auctions float is now coming by, and it’s just a giant piece of paper autographed by six children of next door neighbors of Canadian astronauts.

Federico Holiday:  We mock it but someone somewhere collected that! And had fun doing so!

Fickle: Very true!

Federico Holiday: Listen, there’s a lot of noise out there, and it’s actually very easy to ignore. The good stuff will find you. LeMeme James, those @LikeFatherLikeSon_cards videos for The Mantel Hobby Awards, eBay sellers who stuff extra cards when they mail stuff, animation cels, unopened boxes of “Santa Around the World” cards.

Federico Holiday: The floats and balloons, they’re ephemeral. But you know what will outlast it all?

ZPV Fickle: The absolute truth that breakers are all generally scummy?

Federico Holiday: Yes! And now I have to run. The parade is starting again!

ZPV Fickle: Thank you Mr. Holiday!

Fickle: And now back to the parade. Up next is another musical act…“.

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Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!