Voices: ‘Therapy isn’t just about feelings’: Readers on why men fear reaching out

1. Health and Wellbeing

Our community say men avoid therapy due to stigma, social conditioning and mistrust, though many recognise its value

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Lydia Spencer-Elliott’s investigation into why so many men avoid therapy has prompted a wide spectrum of reactions from Independent readers – from staunch defences of self-reliance to impassioned calls for greater compassion and openness.

Several commenters argued that men’s reluctance to seek help is rooted in lifelong social conditioning. Some noted that many men learn to maintain a façade of strength, making it difficult to admit vulnerability or break “the habit of a lifetime”. Others stressed that stigma within male peer groups remains a major barrier, with emotional openness still seen by some as weakness.

A number of readers defended therapy as a valuable tool. A therapist emphasised that it isn’t just about “talking about feelings”, but about understanding behaviour, finding solutions and making change.

Readers who had benefitted from therapy highlighted the courage required to ask for help, particularly in a culture that often mocks or dismisses it.

Not everyone was convinced. Some expressed distrust of the therapy industry, calling it money-driven or ineffective. Others insisted that if men feel capable of handling their problems alone, that should be respected too.

Here’s what you had to say:

Not all men… and not always

‘Not all men’ (and ‘not always’) – that’s great that some men aren’t troubled or don’t need therapy (as yet). This is usually, largely, the result of having supportive conditions and being well resourced in their early to current lives, not due to any intrinsic superiority.

My observation is that a number of posts here seem to be from men displaying or affirming their strength, stoic humour or bravado (or defensiveness). That’s really fine; however, I’d also be concerned about the effect of that threatening or shaming our less-resourced or supported brothers who are in dire need of kindness and compassion, yet who fear reaching out or letting their defences down precisely because others habitually (possibly insensitively) display their superior status in this respect.

Don’t get me wrong – there are comparatively similar issues with females – however we are talking about men’s specific human troubles and needs here, in the modern, quite screwed-up world, and that is so valuable.

Person

Therapy isn’t always about feelings

I think we, as therapists, have a challenge. Therapy isn’t always about feelings.

It can be about finding a way forward or looking back to discover why we do things the way we do – and then changing if the client wants to.

Most of my clients are men and most are under 35. They usually come to me because of an issue affecting their lives. Once we start working together, part of the therapy can be about how they feel around the issues they have raised.

But feelings are seldom all of the therapy we do. And that’s our challenge – to explain more about the benefits that the support a therapist brings, and that it can help them change if they want to.

Owen

I lost faith in therapy

I've been to therapy several times. I think it's pointless. I lost faith in it. I fail to see how psychotherapists who are paid huge amounts of money can have genuine empathy or compassion. This whole system is all about money. You're better talking to somebody who is living on the street. They'll be genuine like nobody else is.

Donalds Troosers

Emotional intelligence… or emotional incontinence?

Emotionally intelligent? Maybe.

But the trend does sometimes seem to be moving from emotional intelligence (whatever that actually does mean) towards emotional incontinence – that men are expected to be emotional at all times. The narcissistic claim that being vulnerable is the new superpower – ‘look at me, I'm showing my emotions, aren't I great’, etc.

DaveAni

Men are wired differently

Men are wired differently to women. In my experience, talking doesn't really help. And women can be hypocrites about this; they say they want a man who can talk about his feelings, but so many of them then view a man as weak if he does.

Sunflower

‘Shoulder to shoulder’ support

Men's Sheds are set up to specifically address the issues men face. They provide a safe, non-judgemental environment, often using workshop-based activities, where men can socialise “shoulder to shoulder” and develop friendships in a natural, unforced way.

Men's Sheds exist nationwide – go to scottishmsa.org.uk for more info on Scottish Men's Sheds, or to menssheds.org.uk for the rest of the UK. I am a member of my local Men's Shed and have benefitted from my membership. Everyone (yes, everyone – men and their partners) should at least find out about the Men's Shed organisation and perhaps visit their local Shed.

I forgot to mention, most Sheds are free, so don't let lack of finance stop you!

MensShedMan

Difficult to break the habit of a lifetime

I'm a firm believer in the value of therapy but, call me crazy, I suspect that men are far more delicate than we are allowed to see and that, for many, they feel little choice but to put a lot of energy into maintaining the front of being strong, capable and in control.

There's a lot going on behind their curtain, but sharing it would threaten the identity they’ve built for themselves – rightly or wrongly – as a result of the pressure they perceive to be like that.

It can build over time or, when life-changing events occur, their façade (and self-identity) are most at risk. But it is very difficult to break the habit of a lifetime and seek help.

MellieC

It’s okay to need help

I’m a man, and this article is 100% right.

“It’s okay to need help and beneficial to ask for and receive it”. That’s the message. How twisted does your worldview have to be, to think that’s a message that must be rejected at all costs?

It is bitterly ironic that the more it’s decried as weak and despicable to seek help, the more courage and strength are required to actually do it.

McDoom

Some of the comments have been edited for this article for brevity and clarity.

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