The Revue: Ahmad Hardy rides his War Horse to victory

I am, it may not interest you to find out, not a horse person.

I have nothing against them, personally. In fact, I find them to be fascinating creatures in a vacuum. They’re very strong and useful creatures and the line of recorded human history suggests that humans and horses have a way of developing strong, lasting partnerships. Evolutionarily, I should be drawn to horses as a species. But I’m not. Let me give you a few reasons why.

1. They’re too strong. You know? I shouldn’t be able to see muscle fiber when I look at an animal. It’s unnerving.

2. Not a big fan of horse heads. Just the concept in general, I think evolution or God got it wrong here. Big, glossy black eyes with no soul. Long, bony faces. A bunch of short hair topped by an unholy amount of long, scratchy hair. Gross. No thank you.

3. They smell. No explanation required.

4. I feel like there’s an aura around horses where I’m supposed to respect them. Almost like horses expect that I will revere them when they come around. And a lot of people back that arrogant shit up with they way they talk about horses: “Oh, they’re so majestic,” “Isn’t it just the most beautiful creature?” You can reference points 1 and 2 to see how I feel about their aesthetics. And also, I happen to think beauty also comes from within. And horses don’t have souls, in case you weren’t aware.

5. There are no good movies about horses. Chloé Zhao’s 2017 The Rider is about as close as it gets, but you know… it’s about the titular rider.

Point no. 5 in that list isn’t ultimately damning in its own right, but it’s something I think about every time I think about horses. And I’ve thought about horses quite a bit this football season, as Mizzou’s star running back has quite an affinity for them. In case you weren’t aware.

I’m not someone who’s out to yuck someone else’s yum. And I understand why Hardy, a Mississippi boy, would find a lot of joy being outside with his horses. It certainly seems like he’s getting enough NIL money (and probably will get even more after this season) to keep his horses fed and happy. So I suppose I can set aside my light horse slander for a day or two and reminisce somewhat positively on the only other horse movie I can think of as being remotely palatable.

War Horse came out in 2011. It was directed by Steven Spielberg and is 146 minutes long. That’s about the same length of time as a Mizzou Football game these days, maybe a bit shorter. And, to my recollection, it probably provides a similar experience, emotionally, to what you got out of Mizzou vs. Arkansas on Saturday?

As with any Steven Spielberg film, it’s done with staggering competence… almost to a fault. There’s almost no risk involved. It’s a straight-down-the-middle, meat-and-potatoes type of war film. There’s very little flair, and it’s all pretty much right in the title. You came to see War Horse? You’re getting 2 hours and 26 minutes of a war horse. Kind of like when you tuned into watch Mizzou and Ahmad Hardy face Arkansas’ atrocious run defense? Yeah, you’re getting a steady diet of the football shoved up your nose. Almost as aggressively as the scent of any given horse at any given time.

So why am I spending so much time commiserating on a movie I clearly don’t have time for? I’m doing it because I assume that Ahmad Hardy probably loves War Horse. I’ll bet he even cried during it. He seems pretty in touch with his emotions, right? The type of guy that would see a horse in war and be like, “Damn, that horse sure is going through it.” If I had 20 guesses as to what movie is his favorite, I’d make at least 15 of those guesses War Horse, because you’d have to tell me it wasn’t his favorite movie 14 times before I was convinced it was true.

Anyway, I’m getting kind of tired of writing about War Horse, but I’ll tell you what I’d write about it 12 more times next year if Hardy wants to have the kind of season he just had. He’s just 68 yards from breaking the all-time Mizzou single season rushing record, and I have to assume he’s going to do that in the bowl game. He could tie Brad Smith’s record for rushing touchdowns in a season with two and could break it with three.

We’re witnessing potentially the greatest season a running back has ever had in a Mizzou uniform and, partially due to the circumstances surrounding the team, we’re kind of glossing over it. And I don’t want to do that. Even if it means I have to write about War Horse (because I think he’d want me to) I’m going to celebrate Ahmad Hardy’s victorious ride through the 2025 season… and pray to god he can somehow top it next season.

For beating Arkansas – I probably should’ve written more about that game, huh – I’m giving Ahmad Hardy five out of five war horses from the movie War Horse. His name is Joey, not that it matters.